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×× withering roses

May. 31st, 2009 | 05:34 pm
mood: aggravated aggravated

so not much has changed since 2 days ago. actually, in 6 months that i've been with dave, nothing has changed. i try so hard to figure out what attracted me to this man in the first place. we have some things in common, but for the most part, we're completely opposite. now that i have this great job, i'm trying (probably not my hardest, but still trying) to get on my feet again and get out of my parents house hopefully by jan-feb next year. especially with income taxes coming back, i'd like to use that as a security deposit on one. i opened up a checking/savings account with m&t bank. dave doesn't know, nor am i going to tell him that i have a savings account. i am doing direct deposit and bi-weekly i am putting $500 in checking and the net pay in savings. i'm not touching SHIT in the savings if i don't have to. so, hopefully the money in the savings i can use for stuff for the place and shit.

so, i basically know dave and i aren't going to make it. how do i keep running into this relationship when i need to walk away? it's no ones fault but my own. his own FAMILY tells me to. his own FAMILY says i'm too good. that should say something. so this is what happened yesterday:

[VENTING] i work 12 hour shifts at my job. on thursday and friday it ended up being 13 hours shifts. on thursday, i get off and get back to dundalk and dave is tattooing our friend darryl. he says i can lay up in his neieces room until he's done or go home. i didn't wanna leave 'cause i wanted to see him so i stayed. he got done like 2 hours later and then we went to my house where basically, he tucked me in and kissed me and i was out. he went home. next day, same thing except i took it as i was off saturday so i could stay up later with him and shit. he gets done tattooing and i ask him to come back to my house. he says he has to wake up early to help grandmom because contractors are coming to seal the rest of the house off. believable because they've been there the past 2 weekends so whatever. i get a little attitude because either way, if he wakes up and helps them out or whatever, he can still go back to bed and shit. so saturday, day off, i get up around almost 10:30a and go to the bank to open my accounts up. i txt dave and say, "guess you never got up." about half hr later, he txts me, "going back to bed, call ya when i'm done." okay, whatever. so he asks where i'm at and i'm with a representative at the freaking bank so i can't be all rude and hang on my cell so when i leave i check my msgs and he's like, "ok ni, play games and don't tell me where you are. i'm going out, call you later." wtf, so i'm like dude~ and explained to him what was going on and shit. i go home and he says he's taking his uncle to the store and then to his moms for the weekend. i go to my hairdressers and talk to her and her daughter for awhile. vanessa (stacey's daughter) tells me that she seen my boyfriend by pennisula expressway and he was by himself, so i txt him and ask where he is. then his house # started calling me so i thought it was him and answered. it was his grandmom asking where he was. i told her i hadn't talked to him but i'd let him know if i did that she had called. since he seemed like he lied about a few things, i asked her if he happened to wake up early this morning and help while the contractors were there. she laughs and says, "um no, that was a few weeks ago." so yeah, there you have it. LIED.

tried not to make it into a big deal, but couldn't help it. i txt him and tell him to loose my # and that he's lied to me for the last time. now... knowing he was lying... if i just got done working TWO 13hr shifts and you didn't see me from 9am-10pm wouldn't a BOYFRIEND want to see me!? it makes me no sense at all. i'm like, why wouldn't you wanna see me? and then lie about going home? btw, i followed him that night to see if he really went him 'cause he seemed like he was in sucha rush an he did. i can't trust someone that lies. he makes me think things and i wouldn't have to think things if he just settled my mind easier and didn't lie.

so about yesterday. i wanted to just have a nice day off and it was beautiful out, so i kept the peace. a buncha shit happened last night with him and dude, seriously, the drug habits are getting just OLD. he got ripped off by someone and was angry about it then copped an attitude with me but brought me a rose he plucked outta someones yard. yeah, thanks hun. that's made things a lot easier, let me tell you. [/VENTING]

i'll finish this later. gotta pee and gotta work!

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×× gz, too long.

May. 29th, 2009 | 02:50 pm
mood: working working

okay, so it's been like 4 fucking years since i've last wrote in this thing and i was dickin' off at work yesterday being bored and still remembered my passwork/username. i wanna start this up again 'cause i sit here and look back at all these journal entries and i'm like, dude, shit like that really happened in my life? haha unreal. so yeah, i'd like to look back on this in four MORE years and be like wow, that shit occurered.

so, i got this amazing job. i love love love it so far. it's long hours and days but it seems worth it so far. i work between white marsh and bel air right now but i think i'll be promoted to padonia in july, at least that is what the MD i'm working for is saying. so, who know?

for those of you who don't know or don't know anything about my crazy, beautiful fucked up life, i lost my fiance joshua in august. he lost his battle with brain cancer at the age of 21. i met a guy named david on november 1st and within that month completely fell for him. he's made me feel safe again. there has been a lot of emotional distress, only because i think i'm looking for something that isn't there; josh. david is totally different in every shape, way, & form from josh. david is creative and lives for the day and josh was more of a prolonged, ambitious person. . . so not david. i feel young again. i feel crazy, wild & free with dave and that's not something i'm use to. dave has issues to where he's overprotective, jealous, insecure and i've NEVER been with someone like that. somedays it makes me happy, other days it gets on my last nerve. guess that's love!? in ways i know that i deserve a lot better, but i'm secure and i'm truely in love. if it's one thing joshua taught me it's how to love. i get angry easily at dave because it's like, he does the things that he bitches at ME for and when i get upset, it's like nothing to him. there's some major issues in our relationship that need seriously figuring out but i'm willing to work with him because i really do care. i'm hoping that since i got this job and we don't see each other as much as we use to that we won't fight half as much haha dave has a problem holding a job. i know he can, but i think he just needs motivation and to have responsibility for something.

i am in a lot of debt so getting this job i need to pay off SO MUCH before i can think about taking our relationship to the next level and moving in with him. i have over a $13,300 loan, $600 credit card, $250 credit card, over $6,000 credit card, over $800 credit card, and a few hundred $ in medical bills from when i didn't have insurance over the summer time. so yeah, i have a lot i need to pay off before i get into a place. i'd like to just mainly get these medical bills and credit card bills outta the way and just work on the loan while i'm in my own place. i believe i can do that within a year and i'm hoping things last with dave to which i can. i just wish he'd get a job because he's got many hospital bills himself and his credit is fucked over them and phone bills that were ran up by co-workers when he was younger and an ex girlfriend. he probably has other bills too that he's not willing to tell me about. it's like every month that goes by, i find out about another skeleton in his closet. it's getting tiring and i'm hoping that i don't get fed up soon and just throw my hands in the air and give up on him. 'cause that's not what i intend to do but sometime it's what's best for my future. dave says i'm very impatient but shit, i mean... i know all these credit problems aren't gonna go away over night and we'll never be in a really nice place if they don't.

well, i'll give this a test run and i'll probably update from work a lot because i'm with dave so much after work and i don't want him to know i have a journal AT ALL. this is my space where i can vent to myself and look back and maybe see how much time i was wasting one day. i'd hate to look at it like that, but i'm beginning to think that's what i am doing =[

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×× F R I E N D S . O N L Y

Jan. 22nd, 2005 | 04:09 pm
mood: accomplished accomplished
music: The White Album

...yes yes, another el jay user who's got their journal under friends only. that's because of;

a) freaks reading my lj
b) retarded bitches that like to start drama
c) idiots who like to steal pics, icons, etc.

if you're no longer on my friends list it's because;

a) i never get around to commenting to you lj
b) your lj is boring and i don't like reading it
c) i don't like you, so don't add me back
d) you never update/you never comment on my lj

be gone if you're any of the above, if not, feel free to comment and i'll add ya after you've added me.

thanks and sorry to those of you who this message doesn't apply to :]

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